Summary: I got a wake-up call during my last health checkup. Evidently working 7 days a week for two solid months in an atmosphere of constant anxiety is not healthy for a fella. So I’m taking a moment to explore how I took the wrong fork during The Pandemic and how I am course correcting.

First though, and only 4 short years ago, this was me.

One minute I was hiking along the trail, backpack snug upon my shoulders, and the next, my boot, ankle and leg got sucked into the thick boggy mud until I stopped sinking up past my knee. Squish-suck-slosh! I was able to pull out of the muck, with effort, but lost my hiking boot in the process. Going in after it took all my arm strength, going up to the elbow to retrieve it. Once I got my prize, however, I shook it off, smiled, put the boot back on and thought to myself how lucky I am to be out on the hiking path in a true wilderness area during 2020. Losing hope can feel like that. Regaining it takes strength, effort and sometimes, help. This post is (or rather ‘was’ in 2020) about my struggle to keep mine burning as a heart attack survivor while the world sinks into a global Pandemic.

Dolly Sods Backpack Trip The Dolly Sods Wilderness, WV

Sitting in my home office for the past 6 months has left me with a lot of time to think about, well, everything my mind broods upon. It’s been a mix of gratitude for being able to work from home, to have a home, grief for the things all of us have lost during not just a pandemic here in the States, but an economic collapse in addition to Civil Rights protests and counter-backlash by the authorities. It’s been a particularly volatile time and a lot to take in stride while trying to maintain balance, calm and emotional stability.

Hope is a choice

All this has taken work. All the techniques I pulled together after my heart attack have helped. Breathing exercises, focusing on sleep, finding and keeping a routine that supports physical and mental health… yet there have been times when it just was not enough. It was one of those moments when the idea came to me that this is going to involve a choice. We can either choose to become overwhelmed with grief or we can, while still openly processing those emotions and not blocking them off, turn our focus toward hope once more. This post is, or rather was four years ago, about my way of keeping that feeling strong through various treks back out into the woods. Yours is very likely something else. Perhaps running, needlepoint, board games, cooking or just talking with people. Whatever it is, that’s the tool we need to focus on to restore our emotional balance.

I had so many plans at the end of 2019 for the coming year. These were to include at least two back packing trips every month. Lots of leg and endurance training for some mountain climbs later in the summer when the temperatures also climb. Hopping in the car-camping-rig and just hitting the road by myself or to meetup with other like-minded people who enjoy getting dirty outdoors and taking multi day walks, wading through streams, eating around a campfire and sleeping under the stars. Honestly, it was to be a total recalibration of my entire lifestyle that was meant to encompass larger changes I had my goals set upon for 2021 which would have included my first through hike. To date, I have only hiked 100 miles over 6 days once. The rest of my trips have been 2 to 4-day hikes, some with mountains and strenuous as Hell. I was thinking about starting with a 45-day hike on the West Coast. Taking time off from work to just let loose and allow myself to fully embrace a more outdoor, untethered, lifestyle while I have the heart health, muscle strength and joint mobility to do so. As one of the sayings from my marathon running endeavors goes, “I run today because someday I won’t be able to.”

Wild Cat Hollow Backpack Trip Wildcat Hollow Backpacking Trails

Hidden gifts of heart disease

We all have that challenge as not just heart attack survivors but humans with a tiny life span and choices to make. Some of us suffer greatly from a first heart attack and must adjust. I know I did. I was doing the getting back to lifting weights, in the gym 5 to 6 days a week, lifting progressively heavy loads. My Dr said I was at low risk for the widow maker that sent me home with a stent and a bag of medication afterwards. A genetic feature perhaps. But what I lost was my comfort with being in the gym doing the heavy squats and deadlifts I used to love doing. Instead, once that was taken from me, I learned that I love endurance activities like running and hiking. Just as one of my aunts always said, “when life takes something away, it usually leaves a hidden gift in its place.”

Running races for four years after my heart attack gave me a chance to reconnect with the outdoors in ways I could not even imagine when I started down that path. At the time I was grateful for the calm it brought my mind. But I slowly became conscious of the hope that it provided me every day of every week. It made me feel free again. Not from the reality that I had and would have to manage a chronic condition all my life, but free from fear with a renewed focus on joy. Again, these were the gifts that my heart attack gave me, yours will most likely be different, but whatever it is, it’s the redefinition of ourselves that counts. Some people refer to this in a more defeatist way as the “new normal.” I always wondered why we don’t instead think of it as an evolution of who we are as survivors toward fully embracing life again.

GSP Trail Run Sugarloaf Mountain Trail Run

Redefining life as survivors

As mentioned above, all my plans got scrapped this year due to Covid-19. Still, I have the willpower and resolve to say, as I did after my heart attack, there are other ways to accomplish these goals. What I have done was to scan the State I live in for less popular trails, State Parks that have fewer than 20 campsites and very little traffic. This is what I have been doing every single Saturday/Sunday so far this summer for as long as it’s recommended that we keep practicing social distancing. I have a “go pack” always ready and stashed in my truck so all I need to do is grab my small utility bag, some food and water and hit the road. Pitch the tent, light a campfire, listen to the sounds of the wooded night and watch the stars come out. It’s been one of the single biggest mood lifters for me during a strange year where loneliness is the day to day for a lot of us.

GSP Camping Trip Campsite at Great Seal on the weekend of the trail run

Waking up in June 2024

My Dr told me “Jeff, your job is killing you” on Wednesday.

To be fair, He was giving me a blunt warning that my body might be giving me a louder one if I don’t find my way back to selfcare and balance again. My numbers are off a bit but not horrible, but the stress hormones are way high. Not surprising, as I have been kicking my ass for our current contract to get a mountain moved on a tight schedule and helping out with sales efforts on the side because, and here’s the real thing because I view the work as fun and an honor to be doing, it’s the stress of our era in the tech industry that is keeping me up at night. The daily posts by current and former colleagues about having been laid off, facing uncertainty, losing their savings and sometimes homes. It’s a lot to bear witness to, and of course prepare for as well. No one is unique here.

After you hear something like that, you kind of do an all halt. I took my first weekend off in a full two months to just decompress… and it’s been great. I slept like a worn-out dog last night. Ordered a body weight scale with muscle mass and BMI algorithms built in. Tore up the middle room, removing my office setup, bought a full floor gym mat which is where the chin rack, weight bench and spinning bike are going next week. I’m even putting back into place a dedicated meditation spot again. My cat protested about my first two attempts at this and urinated on both of those super cool Gaiam meditation chairs I had bought. My next version is foldable, which I can put it away safely from my meditation hating tiger.

Next up is the decaffeination process. Le sigh. I love coffee. But there’s a whole world of flavor in custom teas. Also adding in restorative foot baths as I have been looking into these on top of the whole cold shower track. There’s a good deal of science behind the humble Epsom soak esp. when you add stuff like ginger, essential oils, Apple Cider vinegar and baking soda for some examples. I got a pretty nice thermal collapsible midthigh high “tub” for those.

In addition to all the exercise and self-care I’ve been opting out of in favor of simply living to work, and this was probably my biggest sign of personal imbalance that I have ignored now for too long, I am starting back up with my weekly Fri through Sun Camping trips out to diff State Parks, National Forests, etc.. That’s truly in my blood. Maybe a need to fully unplug from tech and screens too. Mental cleansing and time to just listen to the wind in the trees.

All this aside, I am always hopeful. If you find yourself at the end of this post, and perhaps in the same shoes. Keep this close to your heart:

We should take wandering outdoor walks, so that the mind might be nourished and refreshed by the open air and deep breathing. – Seneca, On Tranquility of Mind

I still believe hope is a choice. I guess, four years later, I understand better how much work that choice demands sometimes. So, here’s the “why” for the coming camping, hiking, workout and diet posts to follow as a way to self-document (for myself) and to stay motivated to find my voice and my center, once more.

Namaste.